Ramblings of a Crazy

I mostly put posts about Kennedie in here but was rambling typing today and decided to post this randomness…

I am 26, yet I feel like I’ve lived a life time. I believe the world was created for our enjoyment. And more selfishly, for me. It’s perfect balance of beauty, grotesqueness and power are enough to awe me, inspire me, and terrify me. I've lived in California, Maine, Washington, Utah, Idaho and am currently in Nevada. I love to see the world. I've been to the beaches of Cancun and swam the depths of the Atlantic and pacific oceans. I spent ten days in Mexico, kissing babies and meeting open, kind people. I have so much more to see. I want to see everything. When I die, I want my regrets to be few; not seeing the world shouldn't be one of them. I live with the motto of “Be Here NOW!” If you are unhappy with where you are, only you have the power to change it. I will never be “trapped” in a bad relationship; I will never let it get to that.

Today I'm thinking about life I guess. I wonder if every mistake I've made, every tear I've shed and all the longing I've felt has led me to this point for a reason. I feel ready. I feel ready for more. Tired of complacency and tired of being on the backburner of life. I'm ready for the last chapter of my life to end a new chapter to begin. I am looking for so much more. I am looking for something I never thought possible, to find people who love me for me. I am kind, caring, unselfish and loving. I love children and have one who is my universe. I respect and love animals and nature and enjoys spending long days in the sunshine absorbing the warmth. I also loves rainy days indoors reading, playing and enjoying life one day at a time. I know it seems like a lot but there is also so much more to me... I try to be honest open and loving to everyone, although as a fairly private person, I tend to hold in a lot. I have loved, lost and been through a long life for my years. I am not petty, jealous or catty. I can be a bitch occasionally but always apologize. (Almost.) I recently lost a loved one who taught me more in the short time I knew him than anyone else in my entire life. I miss him so much I ache. But every day, I get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I wish life was painless, easy. But I have overcome the most impossible losses and lived to tell the story. I cried when I swam in Mexico in the waves that create a perfect rhythm of life. I have a great sense of humor and LOVE to laugh. I am not perfect, and will never claim to be, neither should you be. Love is about embracing your own imperfections as well as others. I know life is hard but I believe that forces of nature sway life my way in the end. I am lucky. I have a beautiful daughter and knowledge that one day I will find my counterpoint in a man.
Some days it enough; other days, it is hard to smile enough, have patience and leave things up to God. I am lucky to have a big family that loves me but wish we were more open and less afraid. Every day that passes is an opportunity to grow into the people we think we are. Nicer, more sensitive, more giving, more understanding, more compassionate. Every day I miss an opportunity to hug my dad more, to call my mom. To tell Kennedie she is my driving force; my life. I know now that kids are not a right or an obligation; they are a glimpse of pure love. Not everyone who has kids should. Besides obvious reasons, also because they just don't deserve to ruin the pureness that kids show us. When Kennie hugs me, it’s like pure unaltered love shining down on me. It’s like the whole world has stopped and we are the only 2 people who matter. I have a strange belief system, half fate/half faith but I know beyond a doubt that everything happens for a reason. When I was younger I was raised by my aunt and uncle and after, shuttled around a lot. It was very difficult never fitting in and never feeling like I belonged in a family. I know now that was to prepare me to love. The love I was looking for now runs in my every thought and I am consumed with love for my beautiful little girl. Love that makes your heart ache when you think about the enormity of it. Sometimes when I’m really frustrated I just have to step back and remember that she is love... Feeling her tiny arms wrapped tight around my neck is love.